Intimacy Anorexia Self-Assessment

By Cory Schortzman, MA, LPC, SRT

The best way to determine if someone may be struggling with intimacy anorexia is to have the partner of the individual answer the following questions.  If any portion of the question below is true more often than not about your partner, please answer yes.  Otherwise, mark no.   Once the self-assessment is completed, you will receive an email with the results.  Based upon your answers, we will recommend a course of treatment.

IMPORTANT NOTE:  This does not take the place of a professional assessment. We strongly encourage you to schedule an initial counseling session with a Licensed Professional Counselor to determine if intimacy anorexia is an issue in your relationship.

1. Does your partner have a close relationship to his/her mother/father? Do you occasionally feel like a third wheel when you are around them? *
2. Do your partner’s parents guilt or shame your partner into doing things for them or coming to visit them? Does your partner have a difficult time setting boundaries with their own parents or the ability to say “No” to them? This is also known as co-dependency. *
3. Do one or both of your partner’s parents have a history of addiction or addictive behaviors? Were your partner’s physical, emotional, or relational needs neglected? *
4. Does most everyone like your partner? Do they appear to have no enemies? Do they have many acquaintances but few, if any, close friends? *
5. Do your parents really like your partner and are unable to find nothing wrong with them? In fact, do they wish you were as pleasant and charming as they are? *
6. Did your partner experience any physical or sexual abuse or trauma as a child? *
7. Has your partner ever shown signs of sexual addiction, such as porn use and/or masturbation? *
8. Has your partner never expressed feelings of anger around you or allowed you to see them angry? *
9. If you have seen them angry, do they withdraw and shut down in silence? *
10. Does your partner appear cool, calm and in control of their emotions? Are they never too happy or too sad? Do they appear emotionally cold or detached? *
11. Does your partner appear to have it all together and have life figured out? Is your partner’s image important to them – how they look, how they dress and what others think of them? (They are not involved in drugs or alcohol, as they do not like losing control.) *
12. Is your partner very active in their faith practice or do they over spiritualize life? *
13. Is your partner often busy at work and at home? Do they have difficulty finding relational time for you? Are their reasons for not having time for you appear to be justified? *
14. Did your partner not date much, or at all, before meeting you? *
15. Did you meet them online or has much of your dating relationship been long distance? *
16. When together, does your partner have difficulty making simple decisions, such as where to eat or what to do during a date? Do they make everything a question, “Do you want to go out for Italian or Mexican?” Do they have a difficult time making assertive statements, such as “I want to take you out for Italian tonight.”? *
17. Does your partner show resistance or awkwardness toward non-sexual touch, such as hugs, holding hands, and cuddling? *
18. Does your partner make you feel guilty or shame you for spending money? Do they question how your family spends money? *
19. Does your partner often blame others for problems in their life? Do they have a difficult time owning their mistakes or apologizing with sincerity? *
20. Does your partner act differently in a group, as they may be the life of the party and socially involved? However, when alone with them, are they reserved and have difficulty expressing their thoughts and feelings? Do they often accuse, blame, or criticize you in private? *
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